Falling back to my favorite spot on Earth
The first real gusts of winter blew into Southern Oregon on Thursday afternoon. On Friday I bundled up in four layers of wool & astronaut fabric, dusted the snow off my bike, and wheeled down the valley into town. Still no van. The interview at Mountain Rose Herbs in Eugene that I [talked about last month] went well I thought, but hasn’t turned into a job. Massive disappointment.
I’ve been pushing on with my fall-back plans, searching around Medford for a suitable automobile that’d allow me to carry on here in Ashland, but at this point I’m not sure if I truly want to carry on w/ it.
Things in Ashland just are not working out. My job is numbing and tedious. The spot where I live is just a mile or two beyond a practical, enjoyable bike-commuting distance. I’ve made a few acquaintances here, but no real friendships as yet. And getting *anywhere* from Ashland without a car, even 15mi north to Medford, is proving to be annoyingly challenging.
The temperature’s hovering in the mid-30s today. I spent it pacing the short length of my RV or huddling besides my electric radiator, watching the wind blow the last leaves off the oak trees and considering my options.
I could buy a car, go deeper into debt, and continue on here in Ashland, trying to make things work. I’ve been trying to convince myself for weeks that this is the safest bet. Stay put, nose down, grow where you’re planted. “Yes it sucks but you got yourself into this mess and there are a lot of people worse off out there than you so just keep your head down and deal with it, kid.” That’s my Midwestern work-ethic talking. It’s not a voice I always trust, not in this instance. I’m at a point where nothing & no one is dependent on me. The only debts I owe are to faceless institutions. I’m willing to accept some risk and hardship by jumping into the unknown again rather than stick with a boring, frustrating known-quantity…
Option #2 I could fall forward towards California or somewhere else warm, keep looking for a place in the sun as I’d originally wanted to. I have friends in the Bay Area and LA. I have family in Florida and Phoenix. But Florida and Cali are foreign territory for me, and Phoenix is high on my list of places where I don’t want live again. Unless I was extremely lucky I’d likely go broke before I could set-up a new job & home, and I don’t want to be a burden on anyone…
Option #3 I could fall back to a place that’s familiar ground, regroup, and make another go of it next year…
Pace, pace… pace, pace…
I’m liking the sound of Option #3 more and more. I think it is time that I cut my loses and return to Bellingham for the winter.
Thanksgiving is coming up and Robert T will be driving my old Honda down from B’ham to visit our mutual friends in Eugene for the holiday. Our initial plan was for him to ferry the few boxes I still have in Bellingham down to me. Thinking about it more, it occurred to me that I could instead ask him to ferry me to the boxes. Back north to Washington, to my second home, the City of Subdued Excitement. (reminder: still my favorite city anywhere.)
This isn’t the definitive announcement. Just sharing a thought process here, more or less as it comes to me. I still want to sleep on this decision tonight. Tomorrow, if I’m still feeling it, I’ll need to start in on all the phone calls and logistics. As much as I love Bellingham, turning back after I’ve put so much effort into leaving is a hard, hard decision to make, and it brings along a whole jar of mixed emotions.
And a footnote to friends in Michigan: I really really miss you all too, and when I said “familiar ground” a return to the Midwest was also on my mind. It is soooo much farther away from me though, with far dicier prospects of finding suitable work & a place to live right away, that I had to cross it off the list for now. I’ll be back, hopefully for an extended stay, just as soon as I’m able.
Back-tracking is not the same as giving up.
~MWK/RP
